Just a Squirrel:

Dear Sylvia: My husband and I are in our late thirties and do not have any children, purposefully. We love children and spoil our friends and family member’s kids, but just never wanted any of our own. We are happy with our decision, but our friends and family aren’t. They constantly tell us that “we’ll change our mind” about having children and often make us feel left out by saying things like “you don’t understand, you don’t have kids.” How can I get people to stop treating us like outcasts and start respecting our decisions?

—-Child Free

Dear Free: The divide between parents and non-parents can be great. People often view parenthood as a “normative” transition (in other words, everyone does it) and a marker of “true” adulthood; a completely antiquated way of thinking, if you ask me!

It seems that you and your hubby not partaking in this life stage throws people off.  Thus, this is more other people’s issue than your own (and perhaps, a little bit of envy). Therefore, getting people to change their opinions about your situation may be impossible.

So, instead of trying constantly explaining and defending your decision turn the tables on them.  Next time someone says, “Oh, you’ll change your mind,” in your most humorous and amiable tone, reply “I’m sure you’ll want to have changed your mind when college tuition bills start rolling in!” A taste of their own medicine may be just what they need to shut their pie holes.

Dear Sylvia: I have a girlfriend that I’ve been close with since grade school. We don’t talk or see each other much anymore, but when we do it’s just like old times. Lately, I’ve made an effort to connect more but my friend hasn’t reciprocated. I know we’re both busy with our families and careers, but it does hurt my feelings. Should I say something to my friend or just give up on our relationship?

—-Fed-up Friend

Dear Friend: Your quandary reminds me of a verse from a song we used to sing at summer camp, “make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the others gold. A ring is round and has no end, that’s how long I want to be your friend.”

Long time friendships are a treasure. Long time friends provide a link to our past and understand us in ways others may not. Friendships often ebb and flow over the years, based on life circumstances. True friendships can stand the test of time. So, don’t cut your friend out of your life. Instead cut her some slack and cherish the times you are together, rather than lament over the time you’re not.

Dear Sylvia: My good friend and I work at the same company but in different departments. Recently, I received a great promotion at work. All of my other co-workers and friends outside of work have been very supportive and offered their congratulations. My friend/co-worker, however, has not even acknowledged the news. It’s extremely upsetting and hurtful, especially because she expects me (and our other friends) to make a big deal about everything that happens in her life. Am I right to be upset or am I overreacting?

—-Congrats Seeker

Dear Congrats: It sounds like your co-worker/friend may be suffering from a double-dose of insecurity and envy.  It’s not fair to you or good for your friendship to have to celebrate her “greatness” only to have her ignore your success. If this is the first time she’s done something like this you may want to sit down with her and let her know that it really hurts your feelings that she hasn’t congratulated you on your promotion. Then hear what she has to say.

However, if this is a reoccurring theme in your friendship, it may be time to either come to terms with her self-involvedness or let this friendship go. True friendship is about mutual support and encouragement, not trying to appease a green-eyed monster!

Dear Sylvia: My good friend owns four dogs, and it smells like it! Her car, house, and even her clothes smell like a wet dog. She always offers to drive us places and invites me over to her house, but every time I leave her car or house I smell like a dog and am covered in dog hair. How can I mention this to my friend without getting myself in the doghouse?

—-Done with the Dogs

Dear Done: It seems like your friend’s hygiene has gone to the dogs, literally. However, before telling her and her dogs to go hose off, make sure there isn’t an underlying issue contributing to the problem, like a health problem with the dogs or a physical or emotional issue with your friend.

If the problem seems to be superficial rather than serious then speak up, but tread lightly. Start subtly by offering to drive or inviting her to your house. If she asks about the sudden change in routine, tell her that your allergies to dogs seem to be triggered when you ride with her or visit her home. If she doesn’t get the hint, then tell her frankly that the dogs are overpowering her and her property. She may be upset at first, but will be glad that you spoke up.

Parents-in-laws, especially mothers-in-law, often get a bad rap. In movies and televisions shows, in-laws are portrayed as jealous, meddlesome, and, well just plain crazy. Although these types of in-laws do exist in real life, albeit to a lesser extent, a lot of my research seems to suggest that many people are very satisfied or, at the very least, content with their in-law relationships.

In fact, in-laws can be a large source of support. Both children- and parents-in-law provide mutual support. Children-in-law help their parents-in-law with tasks around the house, parents-in-law lend a hand in babysitting, and both may provide one another with a shoulder to cry on.

Despite the positive aspects of in-law relationships, they can, at times, be a challenge. Parents- and children-in-law are family, but also not family at the same time. They’re a step removed and can’t get away with the same stuff  you let slide from your “own” family. A comment about an outfit or a meal may be perceived as good natured ribbing from your own mother, but the same statement uttered by your mother-in-law is fightin’ words.

One reason in-law relationships are difficult to manage is that they are full of uncertainty, especially in the early years when you’re both trying to get to know one another and figure out your role in one another’s lives and families. In fact, in-law relationships are known for being “scriptless.” In normal language it simply means that we don’t always know how to act in them. We know, for example, the basic routine of being a spouse or friend, but when it comes to in-law relationships the picture is less clear.

In my research, I’ve surveyed over 200 parents- and children-in-law and found that they have questions about an array of issues within the in-law relationship including communication, developing the relationship, and fitting in to the larger family unit.

Parents-in-law often question how their children-in-law will affect their family system and their relationship with their adult children. For example, parents-in-law wonder if their children-in-law will let them see their children as often as after they are married or question how family traditions and rituals will have to change as a result of the newcomer.

Children-in-law struggle with questions regarding how much their parent-in-law will be or expects to be involved with their marriage and their family decisions.  Children-in-law also wonder how they are going to balance time between their new family-in-law and their family-of-origin.

In addition, parents- and children-in-law have some of the same questions, such as what to call one another, what type of relationship the other desires, and how to go about cultivating a satisfactory in-law relationship (even if they have no idea what that should be or look like).

Unfortunately, uncertainty in in-law relationships appears to be detrimental. When in-laws experience uncertainty they have a harder time creating a family bond, are less satisfied with their relationship, and tend to avoid communication (which is key to relationship development). In addition, in-law relationships impact marital satisfaction and the parent- adult child relationship. Thus, it’s important to try to establish satisfying in-law relationships.

So, how can you deal with uncertainty in your in-law relationship?

Talk to your in-law. Although you may openly talk to your spouse about what kind of marriage you want or tell your friend when they’ve hurt your feelings, you probably don’t have relationship focused discussions with your in-laws, which often contribute to the experience of uncertainty.

So, talk to your parent-in-law about your questions and expectations. Talk about what kind of relationship you want (do you want to have a parent-child type relationship or more of friendship?), what you would like to call each other (are you going to call them “mom” and “dad” or by their first names?), how often you should talk on the phone or visit? It may be a bit awkward at first, but once you know where you stand you’ll stop second guessing every behavior or comment.

Ask your spouse. If talking to your in-law is too daunting, get some insight from the person that knows your in-law best, your honey bunny. If you can’t interpret a mysterious parent-in-law behavior ask your spouse what he thinks it means and LISTEN. If your sweetie tells you that his mom is always quiet and it’s nothing against you, don’t continue believing that she’s a social butterfly with everyone else but just clams up around you because she hates you.

Also, ask your spouse what your parent-in-law expects from a child-in-law. If she doesn’t know maybe she can do some covert detective work and find out just what your parent-in-law is looking for. In addition, your spouse can drop hints to his parent about what you’re looking for. If you want to have a close relationship with your mother-in-law but don’t know where to start, have your hubby encourage his mom to ask you out to lunch or give you a call.

Watch and listen. If actively trying to reduce your uncertainty isn’t your preferred strategy then just watch and listen. Observe your parent-in-law and see how she prefers to communicate and behave with other family members, including other children-in-law, if possible. If your father-in-law isn’t affectionate with his own children, chances are he won’t want a big bear hug and it also means that his lack of overt affection isn’t a slight either. So watch and learn.

Be patient. Last but not least, be patient. In-law relationships don’t develop overnight, they take time. The beginning is going to be an adjustment for you, your parent-in-law, and your spouse. Fitting in to the family fold will take some time as you and your in-laws figure how to interact with one another and how to establish acceptable boundaries. Becoming a member of your in-law’s family and incorporating them in to yours is going to take some time.

~

In-law relationships can be tricky to negotiate, but also extremely worthwhile.  Next week I’ll address how to establish boundaries with your in-laws. In the meantime, if you have questions about your in-law relationships, submit them to Sylvia Says.

Until next time,

Sylvia